So I have been really tired and lethargic for a couple of weeks. It’s not debilitating- I manage 10,000 steps two to three times a week and manage to work full-time as well as do most of my household chores. But it’s draining to do all this and by 9 pm I’m on the couch, unable to move, completely exhausted.
Tonight’s no different. I have to take a nap to get the energy to do the dishes after cooking myself a tasty meal (and it was really tasty! Roasted pork leftovers combined with a tomato-based pasta sauce, sundried tomatoes, balsamic vinegar and liquid smoke for a sauce over some gluten-free pasta).
I wonder if other bipolar people get this lethargy. Luckily for me, it doesn’t come hand-in-hand with crushing depression, and I’ve been making an effort to get extra serotonin by walking outside in the sunshine with my sunglasses off. My supplements really seem to be holding up, even though I don’t remember to take them every single day.
I consider myself lucky in that my symptoms are reasonably mild and I’ll take the occasional bout with exhaustion as just par for the course. I currently have another health issue that might be contributing to being tired, and I’ve also noticed that as the days grow shorter and colder, I get more and more tired. I guess as long as my mood stays good I can handle it!
I enjoy writing fiction. I’ve been doing it since I was eight years old, and I fancied myself a pretty good writer for a long time. I used to think I had nothing to learn, that I knew it all and was at the top of my game.
Maybe I was. But I’m not any more.
I’m having trouble starting and finishing written works because I just don’t believe that anyone wants to read them. I keep thinking I’m no good, people that compliment me are just being polite, and the criticisms I get are all very real and the only honest judgement of my writing. I just don’t think I’m very good any more- or even moderately good.
I realize this is a self-esteem problem and the only way to solve it is to start writing, writing, and writing- but for some reason this week I’ve been depressed all the time, and instead of walking (which I enjoy) or writing fiction, I navel-gaze or sleep.
I am writing this blog post mostly because I want to spend time writing things- even if no one reads them. I intentionally do not advertise this blog because for the most part I don’t really want it to be read. I know that’s a bit strange, but it soothes me to put something out there, just as it soothes me to know it’s not being read (and judged) by strangers.
I wonder, as I type this, if this fear of judgement is part of what my problem with writing is, and it occurs to me that I need to find healthy ways to overcome this fear. Reading up on this topic and contemplating it are going on my list of things to work on.