A bit of a miracle

So, last week (it seems so long ago now!) I was plagued with a few days of distracted, anxious thinking culminating in 36 hours of straight-on nightmares that made me weep. It was awful.

However, there came a bit of a breaking point in my nightmares. I dreamt, with sadness, that I had a child and it had been stolen from me as a baby, and subjected to cruelty. Then, somehow, my thinking started to realign itself and I started to think, maybe my child had been cared for by strangers- maybe this child was well.

Now, it is impossible that I have a biological child. I’ve never given birth and I’ve never donated eggs. I know this is a fiction. But in my dreams, this fictional child had been raised by kind people in Turkey- a country which I had shunned because of my first husband, a Turkish-American man who had abused me. I even started thinking that my fictional child had been raised in part by my ex-husband!

This brought with it a lot of mixed emotions, as you can appreciate, but in the end, I found myself forgiving my ex-husband for a lot of things- and started to remember good things about him, and Turkey, and Turks. A glacier in my heart had melted, and I felt much lighter, much happier, as if a weight around my neck had been lifted off me.

I know it’s hard to suffer from delusions, but sometimes they can help- it is a bit of a mixed blessing, since they often cause pain, but it’s nice to know that sometimes they can also bring healing.

Merry Christmas, if you celebrate, and if you do not I hope you have a nice day.

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