I haven’t slept much in the past couple of days. I was productive today, but it’s 11 pm and I’m completely exhausted, not to mention that earlier this afternoon I started being distracted with thoughts of events that can’t be real (that someone famous bought me an expensive car and put things in it for me, and the message sent to me telling me these things were mine was stolen by evil people intent on causing me harm or enriching themselves). These little stories emerge, detailed and full-blown, into my storytelling mind and they are very convincing. They are hard to ignore. Their existence is why I take my medication and why I try to get enough sleep- because when I push myself too hard, I start breaking down and these weird, sometimes frightening little stories become big ones, all-consuming ones, ones that take over my attention and cause me even more stress, take away even more sleep.
Luckily today’s events were mild- they put me in a bad mood for a while and made me snap distractedly at my husband, but otherwise no harm was done.
I am very pleased- among today’s activities was finding inexpensive utility shelves to be put up, to help organize our things. Our living space is already looking better, and once all the shelves are up I expect to see a dramatic improvement. My husband is using his new pressure canner to can his apple butter barbecue sauce and curry ketchup. I hope the canning does not alter the flavours too much. I guess we will find out!
I also am pleased that I managed to find time to write/edit four more chapters of my science fiction novel, Anagama. I really think that if I were to take a month to myself, maybe sit on a beach in Mexico as my former psychiatrist did, that I’d finish it! I know the story. I write quickly now (I used to take forever since I was so busy worrying about my writing style and how to make the work as poetic as possible). I could do it.
However, finances being what they are and the demands of my job and research projects being what they are, I won’t be able to take a month for myself in 2014 unless something unexpected happens. This is fine- I struggle to organize my time but I find I am so happy when I write that I will try to make creative writing time more of a priority. I told myself in January that I would finish Anagama this year, and I will- I just need to be disciplined enough to work on other projects as well. These stories I write, both deliberately in fiction and accidentally, in delusion, dominate my life and I think, even though the latter may give me a great deal of stress, they have also given me a great deal of inspiration. My storytelling mind is constantly fuelling the creative fiction that makes me happy and which, I hope, will someday entertain others.