I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, and had a busy day. In the early evening I noticed my thinking was a bit off- I was in a park, listening to live music and enjoying a cider (I was at a fantasy-themed event known as Faery Fest), and I couldn’t shake some negative, paranoid thoughts about coworkers. Specifically, that they were gossiping about me last summer. Thinking this about people I am generally on good terms with, as far as I know, left a bad taste in my mouth that even the excellent cider could not wash away.
I have what is known as “pure-O” obsessional form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. This means I generally don’t have strange outward habits, like handwashing or ritual doorknob touching (though I do tend to whisper weird little mantras to myself and it’s so automatic I forget that I’m in public- so yes, I do seem strange to others). However, I do tend to think thoughts over and over and over- and this is a problem when the thoughts are distressing or negative.
As far as I know, I don’t have any problems with my coworkers. I have a memory once of one of my coworkers apologizing to me, but I can’t trust memories- my mind fabricates them, and even completely implausible events can seem very real, very “remembered”. But I’ve never been given an official reprimand, I’ve never had an awkward conversation with my boss or with anyone I work with along the lines of “you’d better shape up”, and if people were gossiping last summer, I didn’t realize it then- so it seems most likely that this is something I’ve fabricated, and it is probably coming to my mind now because I didn’t get enough sleep.
I realize I have this Achilles heel, and it’s a big one- if I’m subtly abused, I can’t tell- but I would rather forgive to the extent that I can than walk about harbouring grudges for things that might not even have occurred. I would rather be injured than be a horrible person to others. Similarly, I’ll risk getting hurt if it means I can spend my life enjoying myself, instead of trying to record everything that happens to me just in case someone has ever tried to hurt me. I’d rather risk hurt than live a life trapped by fear and hate and mistrust. I have paranoid tendencies, it’s true, but I try hard to overcome them by trusting others. I have my moments where I can’t, and when this happens I try hard to just avoid confrontational situations, and to avoid saying what’s on my mind (I don’t always succeed). My life would be a wasteland if I wasn’t able to trust and forgive.
It’s possible I’ve been hurt, maybe even badly hurt, and been unable to do anything about it, because of my illness- but so far I have managed to survive.
A little side note: I accidentally posted something along these lines in my company blog! Oops. That’s what happens to me when it’s late and I am thinking more about what I want to say than I am about making sure I’ve logged out of one account and into another! I don’t consider the content of this post to reflect negatively upon me, but it would be unprofessional to blog about it via my company, so I really hope no one saw it there. I deleted it within seconds of posting, for these reasons, and didn’t even keep a copy of it (it was particularly well-written, much more so than this post). Ah, well! C’est la vie.